Fools from Sea to Shining Sea
by EEevee
Summary: The trio are on the wrong end of an April Fools' prank a day late apologies. Pg13 for some words


Title: Fools from Sea to Shining Sea Author: Eeevee Genre: humor Rating: Pg-13 for language Summary: The trio are on the wrong end of an April Fools' prank.  
Disclaimer: I do not own any of the below characters. They belong to their creator and affl. Who I can't remember the name of off the top of my head --'  
  
Ryouma Sakamoto poked the ground moodily with a much-abused stick. It had already withstood the torment of a half hour of being viciously stabbed into the innocent ground and smacked against any other innocent object in range.  
  
No one had tried to kill him recently. That was a good thing, wasn't it? Especially considering how he seemed to have a knack for fatally pissing people off. Really, such a negative reaction! So was he complaining?  
  
He paused to consider that. Any sane person would be saying no, never complain about a good thing. Instead his hands wandered over his gun. It was perfect; it was always perfect. He never knew when he'd have to use it. It was a matter of life and death so he checked it again with only half a mind.  
  
As his big fingers slid over the gun taking inventory and making tiny adjustments, he considered.  
  
And then it hit him.  
  
Western cultures celebrated this wonderful thing called April Fools day. Well, it shouldn't be all that hard to find fools in this backwards place. After all, there were the Shinsengumi and Yoshida occupying the city at the moment. Not to mention those ridiculous guard patrols that were always trying to catch him. Come to think of it: Dragon Boy and Iron Boy weren't too bright, misled, he amended mentally, to be with the Shinsengumi.  
  
He jumped up with trademark insane energy and let out a booming laugh. This could not only be fun, but it would probably get him in quite a bit of trouble. Sweet. He couldn't wait to start!  
  
Gleefully discarding the stick in favor of rubbing his palms together he set out looking for a victim or ten.  
  
Going back into the Shinsengumi compound was a definitely no-no, but he was sure he could find a patrol. Perhaps not Oki's patrol, he considered thoughtfully. Considering how their last meeting went.  
  
"Oi, Shinpachi," A rough voice boomed.  
  
"Sanosuke, you could stop shouting, eh? I'm right here you know." The short figure complained twisting a finger in his right ear as they came into sight.  
  
Both were out of uniform, but Ryouma recognized them well enough. Sanosuke Harada, commander of the 10th troop and Shinpachi Nagakura, leader of the 2nd troop.  
  
"But I'm hungry!"  
  
"You're always hungry. If you wanted food that badly Saito-san is never one to turn down a bowl of plain soba."  
  
Harada made a disgruntled sound of disgust, "That's nasty stuff. I miss Ayu-nee's cooking."  
  
"You're lucky you get fed at all the way you people bash my cooking!" Nagakura retorted in annoyance. My, my, how jumpy and defensive he was at the moment, Ryouma thought with no little glee.  
  
He was really warming up to this April Fools. He just needed to think of a proper (aka spur-of-the-moment) prank to pull on the pair without getting killed in the process. He loved a challenge.  
  
And a challenge he would get because look who just showed up: Toudou Heisuke.  
  
He wasn't sure if that was a good thing. The boy had a certain, er, reputation.  
  
"Shinpattsan, Sano, how's it going?" He said easily falling into step with his two companions.  
  
"Shimbara again Heisuke? We miss the third comedian when you disappear like that." The shorty jested earning a scoff from the pervert and a loud laugh from the giant.  
  
"What can I say? I'm needed, unlike you two. Off again or just playing hooky."  
  
It hit him like… well, like a really stupid idea. But ooo it was so perfect! If he could just pull the right strings…  
  
First rule in some warfare book or other was to divide and conquer. And he sure as hell wasn't dressing up as some little boy. So that left the incentive of food for the big guy. The shrimp was a bit harder, but Ryouma was confident that he could do this. It was a task made for him!  
  
So he had his sights set.  
  
Pulling his beloved hat over his dreadlocks he considered how he could disguise himself. As much as he coveted his clothing they were rather conspicuous.  
  
"Hey," That was spoken in English, as was his habit, while the latter part of the sentence was in fluent Japanese, "Can I borrow some clothes?" Wink wink. Oh man, now he scared the fellow away. Maybe the samurais should share a bit of that spirit more freely. What with the peasants and peons meek as mice.  
  
Oh well. He helped himself promising mentally to return the pilfered items later. If there was a later. If not, the poor dude was SOL.  
  
He dressed quickly and grabbed what smelled like some pretty decent food. Someone was going to be missing their wife's homemade meal.  
  
He cautiously approached from behind making just enough noise so the trio wouldn't be caught off guard. Never sneak up on jumpy samurai. They had a nasty habit of turning and chopping you in half.  
  
"Excuse me sirs," He said with a polite bow making sure his gun and glasses were safely hidden from view. See, he could play the part? All he needed to do was calm the rowdy part of him for a few hours. Then he could crow all he wanted. Of course, if his plan went through he would need to find a safe place to gloat.  
  
They half turned and almost immediately the pervert dismissed him. Judging by the slightly glassy look in his dark eyes he was just a little intoxicated. All the better to catch him off guard. Tsk tsk, indulging in such things before noon! The short one eyed him with suspiciously, but sighed and shook his carrot top in resignment when he spotted the food.  
  
"Umm, you selling that?" The giant asked hunching over slightly to get a better look. He craned his neck so that they were face to face, but Ryouma averted his face in mock respect.  
  
"Yes, if it pleases the sirs." He said giving a low bow.  
  
"Umm," The big guy was already digging in with such enthusiasm Ryouma could see that he would need to locate another source of food and soon. "Good stuff." He held out the empty bowl hopefully, "I haven't had anything that good for a long time. You have more?"  
  
Ryouma gave a quick glance to the man's companions. They seemed to be in the middle of a spat in which the short one was looking very harried and hassled while the other was grinning in a rather lecherous fashion.  
  
"But of course sir." He bowed to hide the wide grin splitting his face in two. "Follow me."  
  
Okay, either this guy was really stupid or really confident or really a combination of the two.  
  
"Hey." The big guy frowned and paused, "Just where are you leading me?"  
  
Good question. Ryouma didn't want to cause trouble in some restaurant where he'd want to eat in later.  
  
He turned off into a side street and picked a vendor at random.  
  
"There you are sir." He also choked on that last word. Patience, he must have patience.  
  
Making sure Harada was happily engaged in his latest battle (with a generous portion of food to keep him at bay) Sakamoto snuck off to locate the other two.  
  
"-I'm telling you there is no way that's happening!" The 2nd troop captain protested red in the face and with his eyes narrowed. Ryouma figured the other man had proposed something sick.  
  
Such simple tricks wouldn't work a second time so the trickster shed his borrowed clothing in the same general area he had lifted from them. Adjusting his clothing to look his personal best, making sure his glasses were just so and that the hat sat at such-and-such an angle on his shoulder, he strolled out in front of the pair.  
  
He wasn't sure if Nagakura would recognize him, but he was certain that Toudou would. And he did. Luckily his reaction time was not nearly so smooth as Oki's or Ryouma would be a dead, or at the least a very captive, man.  
  
"You Shinsengumi are big on the warm welcome, eh?" He taunted throwing the katana blade off his pistol butt.  
  
"Bastard." The short one muttered drawing his katana menacingly.  
  
"Now none of that? We can all play nicely and get along. After all, this is a public street, huh!" That's it. Really pour on the charm to piss them off. For good measures he gave his widest, toothiest grin.  
  
Bingo.  
  
He waited until they were within a few feet before bolting like a rabbit with a pair of hounds on his heels. Dust billowed out behind him as he flew along joyfully. If nothing else the running had him in the best shape of his life. He wasn't even breathing hard as he jogged along with two very unhappy Shinsengumi trailing him.  
  
"So slow! Persistent aren't we? Admirable trait that!" He shouted over his shoulder and slacked a little to make it seem like they were catching up.  
  
"You…" huff puff, "Little shit." Toudou snarled. Such language. He should really stop going to the red light district. It was rubbing off on him. Ryouma was about to tell him as much when he hit a roadblock.  
  
One of solid muscle.  
  
Oopsie. Apparently Harada's consumption rate was far more than he had calculated. Even with all that leeway. Wow, the man could pack it away.  
  
The man tried to pick him up by the collar but Sakamoto twisted out of his grasp. No one touched the duds. He didn't want Shinsengumi-dirt on his precious shirt.  
  
"No touching." He said in scattered English and grin impishly.  
  
"Who's this guy?" Harada asked his winded companions. The two didn't answer but circled around him like a pair of jackals. Not that it would work. You didn't use wolves to hunt a bear.  
  
"I don't suppose you can pretend you never saw me?" He chuckled letting his enjoyment show through. People really hated to be laughed at while they were trying to kill him.  
  
"Ah, but Okita-san was looking forward to seeing you again." Toudou leered and tightened his side.  
  
"Oki is so sweet that way!" Of course, he said sweet in English so they looked at him in a rather unflattering way. As if! "I would love to accept your invitation if it wasn't so darn inconvenient."  
  
"Oh, but its not an invitation and we must insist." Nagakura sneered with narrowed eyes.  
  
Now or never! Ryouma bolted down the side putting on speed he hadn't used since a certain incident where he had happily saved Iron Boy from a brutal fate.  
  
They were rather blind about following him because he danced around the vats of dye easily while they stumbled. Waiting until the big one was near the red he took aim and fired. The bullet had to desired result. A rather large splash followed. One down and two more to go. toudou turned out to be surprisingly agile if not fast. Those bullets were quite expensive too. In the end he surrendered into a vat of almost indigo dye. Nagakura was easy. A well placed foot when he got just a bit too close with no room to maneuver…  
  
Okita looked out, blinked, and giggled. That wasn't a sight you saw everyday. Of course, he had to share. This was just too good to be left alone.  
  
"Hi-ji-katasaaaaaaaaaaaan." He said in a sing-song voice.  
  
"Souji…"  
  
"Look outside."  
  
"If this is-." Okita wouldn't be surprised if the man keeled over in the middle of a conniption fit one day.  
  
"It is very artistic, ne?" He grinned. "I think that Ryouma-san had fun being so creative!"  
  
"What is that!" Tatsu whimpered and covered his eyes then looked again and sighed. His brother was a bit more enthused. He gave an evil grin and asked how the view was.  
  
"…From Sea to Shining Seeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!"  
  
Hjikata sighed in defeat as if the end of that particularly painful serenade had broken him. He slumped and looked over to the younger man who was still admiring the trio, who looked most surprisingly like an American flag flapping on the breeze. How the man had gotten the three of them incapacitated, dyed, and hung up on a flagpole was an impossible thing he never wanted to know about.  
  
"Souji, please get something to get them down…"  
  
"Tomorrow morning?" The imp suggested with a twinkle of amusement in his purple eyes and the pig in arms.  
  
"Tonight, after dinner."  
  
"Ah, such a softy." The 1st captain laughed gaily and disappeared to round up some volunteers to cut the trio down.  
  
A/N: And that was my first PMK fic .;; I don't know if I succeeded in keeping the buggers IC. You think as long as I've been doing Kenshin that Sanosuke Harada would at least be a bit easier? Ryouma is an... interesting character O.o Anyway, hope y'all enjoyed even if it was a bit late. I stayed up way to late this morning (2am) to finish it! 


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